A loudmouthed big studio bigwig like Mr. O probably spends his weekend at some country home, tending to a nice peaceful garden.That loudmouth persona is just an act.  NO ONE could really be THAT obnoxious ! At home, he is  just as sweet and kind as he could be. Why would Fox even hire him if he were not a nice guy?  Their other commentators are nice. Maybe he is  even as nice as Brian and Steve on the Fox and Friends show  or as funny and cute as Dennis Miller !  So, on the weekend he goes and tends his little flower garden, waxes his mini-van he uses to deliver meals to sick elderly people (what a nice guy he is) , and even takes his own children to the country to watch my cousin deer-- he is not really a carnivorous ruminant-hating bigot at all !  He is really a sweetie with a big heart that loves all animals--- he is just forced into this role by his mean network executives !    His heart is aching to tell the world that he doesn't hate me after all -- he loves me ! He secretly watches my webcam and wishes he could tickle my nose !  He just needs an opportunity to cast away the façade and show the world that he is really Mother Theresa in an expensive suit. 

I know all this because I have a mole in his camp.   A real mole-- Spaz the cat caught him for me and told him he would eat him if he didn't go to New York and camp out in Mr. O'Reilly's garden and spy on him.   Thanks, Spaz!  We put a little webcam on Mookie the Mole  (His mom named him after a baseball player.  That's what he said ! She used to have a tunnel under third base.)   Mookie keeps us informed about all the nice things Mr. O'Reilly does.  Right now, he appears to be in radio silence-- as we haven't heard from him in a long while.  

So, all I need to do is get Mookie to communicate with Bill to convince him to come clean-- and tell the world how much he loves me, and APOLOGIZE to me on the air. Even though I don't have Neffie to talk to anymore, she did will me her IPod Touch Feline Edition, and through it I was able to listen to a radio station (IHooveRadio App) that gave me an idea.   There was a show on there that was talking about how some people die just because they have "bad jeans."  I couldn't believe-- is it possible that humans can die just because their jeans are too tight?? Or the zipper is broken?   Geeezz... no wonder humans are so evolutionarily challenged !  How is a species ever going to survive if just a broken zipper wipes them out !   

I will use this information though to make Bill apologize to me !! 

Mookie will scurry up Bill's leg when he is out in the garden fertilizing his flowers, and chew the zipper on Bill's jeans.  Then he will inform Bill, that if he does not come clean and reveal to the world what a really nice person he is-- that he is not a carnivorous ruminant-hating bigot after all-- and he takes back all the terrible things he said about me. ...Mookie will break those jeans for good.   Those "Bad Jeans" will kill Mr. Bill right where he stands  !! 

IT WILL WORK!!!

Hold on....just getting a voice memo from Mookie.... Come in, Mookie !  What???  You are what ????    Spaz--- why didn't you tell me that moles are blind !?   He won't be able to tell Bill's leg from a tree trunk.    Oh well, Bill probably doesn't even wear jeans.  He probably goes out and prunes his roses wearing Armani.   

I guess (Sniff!) I will have to keep waiting for O"Reilly just to realize on his own how he hurt my feelings....... There must be a way....

Dilli